i'm slowly picking myself up these few days. at least the situation's not that bad anymore. at least my thoughts and feelings were heard. but i just hope they were taken into real consideration cos i really hope that things would return to normal. just like the days when i'm living my dream life everyday.


you're just like my mom. both of you always have no confidence. always think too much about other's opinion. i told my mom, if you really want something, just go for it. cos by the time you're done with all your hesitation and dilly-dallying, it might just be gone. and you would've missed the greatest opportunity in life.


sigh, now i'm just afraid that disappointment would fall on me on friday. but i'm silently hoping that i would pass judgment day with a huge smile on my face. no, on OUR faces i mean. i don't wanna go to heaven only to be found that i've been banished to hell forever. i want nothing of that to happen. now, i can only pray. with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my love.


a huge surprise is coming up on friday. i hope it works cos i've never ever done this to anyone before. yes, not even my mom. =)

haven't been happy for such a long time. today was probably the best day. i'm picking up my confidence slowly, but surely. let's just hope that nothing bad would happen to spoil my plans.


today's lesson was crazy. had lecture in the morning and the lecturer was always telling us grandmother stories, saying she'd been to this country, that country. she keeps digressing halfway through the lesson and her time management skills sucked. anyway i didn't really pay attention to her either, was doing my tutorial homework. hahaha.


but i had to say, this sem's a little slack cos maybe the projects aren't here yet. let's hope i can do very well and maybe try to get into a foreign university. but actually i feel that i might have a change of plans. i don't know. i might not even go overseas at all. cos i feel that i won't bear to leave everything down and just fly out of the country. sigh. should i just stay here and work/study at the same time? at least i still can see you.


but what about army? i don't know what would happen. i can only rely on faith and trust. i'd always imagine myself smuggling out a rifle and try shooting someone. ok i'm crazy, ignore me. anyway i've got to go and do my tutorial homework now. if not i'll get lectured by the dumb milf lecturer tomorrow. hahahahaha. ciao!











cnwl. hearts.

why do you keep giving me the impression that you're saying this and doing another? you lifted me up to heaven but pushed me down to hell again. i don't know how long i can take this. but i'm willing to. all because i feel that my efforts would prevail and things would go back to its original state again. happiness would come once again and sorrow would disappear from the face of the earth forever.


what i want is to keep this going. cos i feel that 15+ plus would all go to waste if we just let it go like that. i don't wanna regret it 30 years down the road and wished i hadn't made the wrong decision. but now i always find myself living in denial. always denying the facts and suppressing myself from all the hate, anger, sorrow, everything. i'm a human for goodness sake. i breathe, i'm made up of flesh and blood. i need some guidance, encouragement, anything. as long as it can help me get through all these, i'll be very grateful. sigh. i'm so lost now!!

i'm feeling alot better now. at least now it's not so complicated anymore. i'm very certain that i've learnt a valuable lesson and have changed for the better. but i've got other things to worry about. like what would happen when i graduate? what would happen when i begin to serve the nation? i don't know. time seem to catch up with me before i'd even realised it. and i don't know if i can concentrate on my commitments without having to think about what's happening outside.


i'm hoping for things to get better. cos i really need it. i have to make sure that everything's gonna be alright. although i don't show it, but my heart more or less still hurts from all the things i've to worry about. now i can only put my faith and trust on the line and really hope for the best. please, don't let me down...









cos i love you..

Never before have I seen you look so blue
I can't find a cure and nothing comforts you
The light at the end of the tunnel
Doesn't shine at the end of the day

Everytime you cry
Save up all your tears
I will be your rainbow
When they disappear
Wash away the pain'
Til you smile again
I will be the laughter in your eyes
Every time you cry
Every time you cry

Time has a way of wounding what has healed
What can I say? I know just how you feel
Your soul is dark and troubled
Like a river running wild

Everytime you cry
Save up all your tears
I will be your rainbow
When they disappear
Wash away the pain
'Til you smile again
I will be the one who dries your eyes
Every time you cry
Every time you cry

Well, you know that's what I'm here for
I will give you when you need more
There will be no hesitation
I will reap no reward

now i'm left with the last chance of my life. and i've chosen to give it one more try. i'm not gonna let any chances slip past me. i'll pick myself up if no one's gonna help me. i'll become a stronger man not just physically, but mentally too. it's not the end of the world, because right in front of me, there's a glimpse of light shining brightly. i can get there, i will get there, i must get there!









baby wait for me...

sigh. sometimes i wonder why people get affected by others so easily. it's like other people's opinion matters more than their own. and especially in love, where falling in love with someone means that a particular person is experiencing it, not their family or friends or anyone else for that matter.


i mean, it's true that their opinions help a little. but ultimately, the decision lies on the person himself. and though this may sound a little naive, but i truely believe that one should follow his heart and go for what is best for him. even if it meant that he'll lose something for it. cos life's like that, when you gain something, you would also tend to lose some other things that you already have. it's just whether you're willing to give up or not.


i know very well what i want, but i also hope that someday, things would go my way. cos i feel that when two hearts beat together, nothing is impossible. i only need one thing. F.A.I.T.H






i'll do whatever it takes, to turn this around
i know what's at stake, i know that i've let you down
and if you give me a chance, believe that i can change
i'll keep us together, whatever it takes

A BETTER TOMORROW.










i know you can give it to me.

ok, things are looking better today cos it's a new beginning for me. went to cmpb with satish for my NS medical check up today. bloody hell took me 4 hours to complete it! the IQ test was a killer cos they had SOOOO many questions and SOOOO little time. hur. oh ya, i got pes bp which means i'm overweight. so sad! so i'll do my best to slim down!!! cos the report said that i need to lose 8.5 to 13.3kgs!!!! GOSH! that's hell la! how am i gonna lose all these weight in a few months? i'm so DEAD. oh wait, i died yesterday already. hahaha. lame.


and to add a secret, i had botak jones for lunch. HAHAHAHA. went to meet daniel and dexter in town after that cos daniel wanted to get his phone repaired. walked awhile and they had kfc. =x i ate spicy drumlets only. wah, i'm so dead la. then we walked awhile more and went home. such a pity i had to miss the entire day's lesson today. really like psychology for managing people. =(


tomorrow's IS day, dexter and satish's birthday celebration too. don't know what they're planning. but most probably just have lunch or dinner in town i guess. i'm still thinking whether i should drive tomorrow. cos i haven't been driving since our last meeting. sigh. i'm so scared i'll forget how to drive. =x but i shall try la. haha.



alright then, i guess i shall go and watch some drama serials. bubbye!


We're thinking we would never be apart
With your name tattooed across my heart
Who would have thought it would end up like this?
Where everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on
Is try to take it back
Before it all went wrong

it's finally over. this wonderful relationship of 15+ months. aren't you glad?

there're so many songs in my mp3 that could describe how i've been feeling all these while. and everytime i listen to it, i feel so very sad. images of you doing that unforgivable act with that guy just kept flashing so clearly through my mind. and i would cry so hard whenever i think of you. i know i told you i'll forgive you, but i just can't forget about it and take my mind off it. how many times you lied to me, how many times you got close to guys, etc. i can't take it. and i'm sorry.


i've learned so much from you. both good and bad. but i'm still glad that we were once together. for all the memories are the most beautiful in my life. i know i wasn't a good boyfriend, but at least i did my part. i loved you so much more than you'll ever know. it's such a pity we couldn't fulfill our wish of getting married and having lots of kids together. but i still hope you'll eventually find someone worthy of your love and would take care of you with all his heart.


i've told you alot of times that i don't wanna lose you, but it didn't get to me that you were fooling around outside. it's no wonder that you wouldn't come back to me. i don't blame you. i just hope you'll respect yourself and your family. don't be so playful and irresponsible anymore. you're 18 already, so grow up and learn how to become a good woman. take care of yourself and your family ok? and for the last time, i love you baby. all the times we shared, everything you've done for me will always be in my heart. goodluck in your future endeavours and may god bless you. goodbye.


everyone needs compassion, a love that's never failing. let mercy fall on me.
everyone needs forgiveness, the kindness of a saviour. a hope to survive.
i'm falling apart, barely breathing.
with a broken heart, that's still beating.
in the pain, there is healing.
in your name, i find meaning.
what am i gonna do when the best part of me was always you.
what am i supposed to say when i'm all choked up and you're ok.
i'm falling to pieces, 'cos when a heart breaks, no we don't breakeven.
my love for you is blind, but i couldn't make you see it
that i loved you more than you'll ever know.
a part of me died, when i let you go.
i keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'd never go.
stop breathing, if i don't see you anymore.